Dear Luke,
Now I know you're teething and your gums must be itchy as hell. It's tough and I'm trying to say I understand, but may be we should set a few ground rules here. Just so we don't wind up locking you in a room filled with plastic chew toys and letting you turn feral.
1. It is not ok to bite the Emperor or myself. Or Princess Leia. Or the nanny and other household staff members. Or the neighbor's puppy (who had the misfortune of coming close enough to be within biting distance). It is also not ok to bite people who are not related to us or whom we don't know. Because we don't know where they came from and they are probably walking petri-dishes of bacteria.
2. Please stop eating the remote controls to various household appliances. Despite the fact that you have 2 very tiny teeth and only eat milk and organic veggies -- your saliva seems to have developed Komodo dragon like properties and have, thus far, corroded the remote to the air conditioner, the cable box and the dvd player. These things have remote controls for a reason --- because I am too damn lazy to get up and turn them on manually.
3. Please feel free to chew on the various teething toys we've spent a small fortune on (including the one the Emperor bought for you at the hardware store which turned out to be something for dogs but apparently works just as well with small children ---- I joke, I joke! that one's with the neighbor's dog already. A form of apology for the tuft of hair that is now missing from his side when you tried to disembowel him with your razor like teeth buds). Why won't you chew on these things? We went crazy trying to look for ones that were BPA free, lead free, and weren't made in China (and you can't imagine how hard that is considering practically everything comes from China these days!). And yet --- they remained ignored.
4. Stop chewing the rails of "the Pit"(aka your play pen). They are beginning to stink and they are not washable.
5. Stop licking the wall. Now I know we have a bit of a mold situation going on there with the roof leaking and everything --- but seriously, you have got to find another way to get high. Plus I think your saliva is contributing to the damp.
30 more teeth to go. Surely we can get through this relatively unscathed, healthy, ER and teeth marks free.
Love, Darth
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The 10th Circle of Hell
You know what I hate? Children's parties.
Seriously, I would rather watch Episodes 1 to 3 over and over again than be trapped in a children's party.
The only thing I hate more than children's parties.... are children's parties that are held at your friendly neighborhood fast food joint. Honestly, I want to tell the parents to just save their money and throw a nice small birthday party at home rather than subject their guests to the horrors that are your cookie-cutter, bundled children's parties at a fast food joint.
May be I just don't get it. But, what's to get?
1) The awful food - cold pizza, cold hamburgers, cold kiddie meals that come in environmentally hazardous styrofoam containers. Soft drinks that taste like water because --- they've been watered down with the melted ice. If I wanted to get hepatitis by eating improperly prepared food I would have just stayed home and cultured my own bacteria.
2) The awful host - I'm convinced they pick the loudest, most annoying and obnoxious employee and punish him/her by making them the host. I especially enjoy those that can't speak properly and wind up saying the strangest things. Like: Kids, form a circle and make it straight. Or: Parents form A two lines please. A two lines.
3) The awful entertainment - I swear if I have to play one more round of "Bring Me" I'm taking a grenade to the next party... and handing it to the host without the pin. I just love the mascots who look like their costumes haven't been washed since 1983 and want to pick up your kid. And what's not to love about pinatas? Who doesn't enjoy these contraptions that force kids to act like savages or rejects from WWF, madly scrambling for candy from China that you're not going to let them eat anyway.
4) The loot bag - parents, please, be considerate enough to make sure that whatever you put in the loot bag is the same thing that you would let your kids eat or play with. Nothing freaks me out more than parents who put candy that are: a) of dubious origin, b) of hazardous size and make (aka do you want my kid to choke on this crap or what? also known as weren't these banned by the FDA?), c) things they wouldn't let their own kids eat. I also get freaked out by parents who put toys that are obviously dangerous or age inappropriate. If you're just going to give us a bag of stuff that's going to get my kid rushed to the ER, please just don't give the damned things out at all. It cost you money and no one likes them anyway. (Plus they just add clutter to my home).
5) And my personal favorite - the God-awful music. I mean does anyone need to listen to Justin Bieber at 300 decibels? Who decided it was fun to pump up the volume to jet fighter levels whenever the kids are playing games or when its time to eat? Is the conversation at these things that boring that they try to drown out the sound of us talking to each other? Now I don't expect people to play Arcade Fire or The Legendary Jim Ruiz at a kid's birthday party. But I don't want to contribute to the decaying minds of our youth either by playing incessant runs of Justin Bieber, Katy Perry or Taylor Swift either. At mind-numbing volumes I might add. Honestly I'd be happier if they just slapped on Kenny G or Yanni and called it a day. Next time, just hire the strange alien band from the Cantina.
Yesterday we were at a birthday party that had all these wonderful elements and Princess Leia was actually begging us to go home after 30 minutes. I found the whole exercise sad and pointless, especially since the birthday celebrant couldn't give a rat's ass about what was going on. The little Ewok didn't want to sit still for the countless pictures, didn't want to participate in the games, and ran screaming from the tons of people it didn't know. I don't blame it. All the Ewok wanted to do was run around and whack people with it's balloon. The parents could have saved a butt load of money by just taking it and the other Ewoks to an open field, giving them kites and preparing a simple picnic of sandwiches and juice.
Sometimes I think that parents forget that children's parties are about the kids. Some parents use it as an excuse to get their friends together. Others use it a photo-op or a venue to show off. Others just throw them just for the sake of throwing them. I say if you're gonna be half-assed about it, just buy your kid a cake, get some family together to celebrate the event, and use the money you save to buy your kid a kick-ass gift that the little Ewok will love to death. Or put it in their college fund. Or use it buy a slave girl bikini outfit that you can use to make new Ewoks with. Whatever. Just stop torturing the rest of us with yet another assault on the senses that is your kid's birthday party.
Seriously, I would rather watch Episodes 1 to 3 over and over again than be trapped in a children's party.
The only thing I hate more than children's parties.... are children's parties that are held at your friendly neighborhood fast food joint. Honestly, I want to tell the parents to just save their money and throw a nice small birthday party at home rather than subject their guests to the horrors that are your cookie-cutter, bundled children's parties at a fast food joint.
May be I just don't get it. But, what's to get?
1) The awful food - cold pizza, cold hamburgers, cold kiddie meals that come in environmentally hazardous styrofoam containers. Soft drinks that taste like water because --- they've been watered down with the melted ice. If I wanted to get hepatitis by eating improperly prepared food I would have just stayed home and cultured my own bacteria.
2) The awful host - I'm convinced they pick the loudest, most annoying and obnoxious employee and punish him/her by making them the host. I especially enjoy those that can't speak properly and wind up saying the strangest things. Like: Kids, form a circle and make it straight. Or: Parents form A two lines please. A two lines.
3) The awful entertainment - I swear if I have to play one more round of "Bring Me" I'm taking a grenade to the next party... and handing it to the host without the pin. I just love the mascots who look like their costumes haven't been washed since 1983 and want to pick up your kid. And what's not to love about pinatas? Who doesn't enjoy these contraptions that force kids to act like savages or rejects from WWF, madly scrambling for candy from China that you're not going to let them eat anyway.
4) The loot bag - parents, please, be considerate enough to make sure that whatever you put in the loot bag is the same thing that you would let your kids eat or play with. Nothing freaks me out more than parents who put candy that are: a) of dubious origin, b) of hazardous size and make (aka do you want my kid to choke on this crap or what? also known as weren't these banned by the FDA?), c) things they wouldn't let their own kids eat. I also get freaked out by parents who put toys that are obviously dangerous or age inappropriate. If you're just going to give us a bag of stuff that's going to get my kid rushed to the ER, please just don't give the damned things out at all. It cost you money and no one likes them anyway. (Plus they just add clutter to my home).
5) And my personal favorite - the God-awful music. I mean does anyone need to listen to Justin Bieber at 300 decibels? Who decided it was fun to pump up the volume to jet fighter levels whenever the kids are playing games or when its time to eat? Is the conversation at these things that boring that they try to drown out the sound of us talking to each other? Now I don't expect people to play Arcade Fire or The Legendary Jim Ruiz at a kid's birthday party. But I don't want to contribute to the decaying minds of our youth either by playing incessant runs of Justin Bieber, Katy Perry or Taylor Swift either. At mind-numbing volumes I might add. Honestly I'd be happier if they just slapped on Kenny G or Yanni and called it a day. Next time, just hire the strange alien band from the Cantina.
Yesterday we were at a birthday party that had all these wonderful elements and Princess Leia was actually begging us to go home after 30 minutes. I found the whole exercise sad and pointless, especially since the birthday celebrant couldn't give a rat's ass about what was going on. The little Ewok didn't want to sit still for the countless pictures, didn't want to participate in the games, and ran screaming from the tons of people it didn't know. I don't blame it. All the Ewok wanted to do was run around and whack people with it's balloon. The parents could have saved a butt load of money by just taking it and the other Ewoks to an open field, giving them kites and preparing a simple picnic of sandwiches and juice.
Sometimes I think that parents forget that children's parties are about the kids. Some parents use it as an excuse to get their friends together. Others use it a photo-op or a venue to show off. Others just throw them just for the sake of throwing them. I say if you're gonna be half-assed about it, just buy your kid a cake, get some family together to celebrate the event, and use the money you save to buy your kid a kick-ass gift that the little Ewok will love to death. Or put it in their college fund. Or use it buy a slave girl bikini outfit that you can use to make new Ewoks with. Whatever. Just stop torturing the rest of us with yet another assault on the senses that is your kid's birthday party.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Soon on eBay
One 5 (soon to be 6) year old female. May or may not answer to "Princess Leia" depending on her mood. Relatively intelligent although extremely lazy. Photographic memory. Potty trained although prone to "accidents". Capable of acts of sweetness, kindness, and overall cuteness. But also capable of random acts of destruction, terrorism, emotional blackmail and willful malice.
Willing to trade for parakeet.
Comes with free Ewok.
Willing to trade for parakeet.
Comes with free Ewok.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Princess Leia Channels Damien
You remember Damien don't you? Cute little chap from The Omen. Nice enough fellow except he's inherently evil.
Princess Leia has been channeling Damien for the past 4 days. Like a bad crossover idea (science fiction fantasy meets horror) our little Jedi princess warrior has been acting like someone straight out of The Omen. Sometimes cruel and calculating, sometimes bewildered by what she has done, often just a fount of pure evil.
The day starts out with the struggle of getting her to drink milk before school. Calculated excuses of "my nose is itchy, I can't drink". To random acts of cruelty like spilling it on her uniform forcing you to change her and thus making you both late for school and work. Finally to sheer acts of evil like "accidentally" spilling the stuff all over the table.
The day is peppered with these random battles and acts of rebellion. I know at some point these little rebels want to break free of The Empire, but I think 5 years old is a little young to start a rebel force of your own. And if she does succeed in seceding? What happens then? She can't even tie her own shoe laces. I don't care how much force is in her, at this point Vader still knows best.
God knows I love her, I really do. But on days like today I feel like hauling her ass back to Tatooine and selling her to some Jawas.
It's a good thing I am wise to her fiendish rebel ways, her subtle Jedi mind tricks. Emperor Palpatine is not so savvy. Just the other day, after having declared her Wii-less until Christmas the previous night because she had broken yet another device, I overheard her talking to the Emperor:
Princess: Palpy....
Emperor: Yes Princess?
Princess: You know I love you.
Emperor: I love you too.
Princess: I want to be with you all the time.
Emperor: I want to be with you all the time too.
Princess: And I always want to make you happy.
Emperor: I always want to make you happy too.
Princess: Can I play Wii this afternoon?
Emperor: Absolutely honey.
See. Jedi mind tricks. The force is strong in this one.
Princess Leia has been channeling Damien for the past 4 days. Like a bad crossover idea (science fiction fantasy meets horror) our little Jedi princess warrior has been acting like someone straight out of The Omen. Sometimes cruel and calculating, sometimes bewildered by what she has done, often just a fount of pure evil.
The day starts out with the struggle of getting her to drink milk before school. Calculated excuses of "my nose is itchy, I can't drink". To random acts of cruelty like spilling it on her uniform forcing you to change her and thus making you both late for school and work. Finally to sheer acts of evil like "accidentally" spilling the stuff all over the table.
The day is peppered with these random battles and acts of rebellion. I know at some point these little rebels want to break free of The Empire, but I think 5 years old is a little young to start a rebel force of your own. And if she does succeed in seceding? What happens then? She can't even tie her own shoe laces. I don't care how much force is in her, at this point Vader still knows best.
God knows I love her, I really do. But on days like today I feel like hauling her ass back to Tatooine and selling her to some Jawas.
It's a good thing I am wise to her fiendish rebel ways, her subtle Jedi mind tricks. Emperor Palpatine is not so savvy. Just the other day, after having declared her Wii-less until Christmas the previous night because she had broken yet another device, I overheard her talking to the Emperor:
Princess: Palpy....
Emperor: Yes Princess?
Princess: You know I love you.
Emperor: I love you too.
Princess: I want to be with you all the time.
Emperor: I want to be with you all the time too.
Princess: And I always want to make you happy.
Emperor: I always want to make you happy too.
Princess: Can I play Wii this afternoon?
Emperor: Absolutely honey.
See. Jedi mind tricks. The force is strong in this one.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Let's Be Honest
I love to talk about my kids. I can go on and on and on about how wonderful they are, how proud I am of them, and how they are God's gift to me and mankind.
But I don't feel that way all the time.
There are times when I know exactly how Darth Vader felt --- just a simple guy trying to conquer the universe.... and here come those pesky kids who ruin your day.
There are days when its hard not to feel they're out to get you.
Or that people who commit Munchausen by Proxy are on to something.
Days where you feel that if you had to watch one more hour Playhouse Disney or have one more conversation analyzing how much better Barbie is than the Bratz your head would explode.
And you wonder if its still possible to run away from home and join the circus, even though you're already 35, because life there is surely less crazy than the life you live now.
Parents never say these things out loud because, God-forbid, people might think you don't like being a parent.... or worse... you don't love your kids.
You do like being a parent. And you do love your kids.
But you do feel like this, sometimes.
So let that force within you go.
Welcome to the dark side.
But I don't feel that way all the time.
There are times when I know exactly how Darth Vader felt --- just a simple guy trying to conquer the universe.... and here come those pesky kids who ruin your day.
There are days when its hard not to feel they're out to get you.
Or that people who commit Munchausen by Proxy are on to something.
Days where you feel that if you had to watch one more hour Playhouse Disney or have one more conversation analyzing how much better Barbie is than the Bratz your head would explode.
And you wonder if its still possible to run away from home and join the circus, even though you're already 35, because life there is surely less crazy than the life you live now.
Parents never say these things out loud because, God-forbid, people might think you don't like being a parent.... or worse... you don't love your kids.
You do like being a parent. And you do love your kids.
But you do feel like this, sometimes.
So let that force within you go.
Welcome to the dark side.
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