You know what I hate? Children's parties.
Seriously, I would rather watch Episodes 1 to 3 over and over again than be trapped in a children's party.
The only thing I hate more than children's parties.... are children's parties that are held at your friendly neighborhood fast food joint. Honestly, I want to tell the parents to just save their money and throw a nice small birthday party at home rather than subject their guests to the horrors that are your cookie-cutter, bundled children's parties at a fast food joint.
May be I just don't get it. But, what's to get?
1) The awful food - cold pizza, cold hamburgers, cold kiddie meals that come in environmentally hazardous styrofoam containers. Soft drinks that taste like water because --- they've been watered down with the melted ice. If I wanted to get hepatitis by eating improperly prepared food I would have just stayed home and cultured my own bacteria.
2) The awful host - I'm convinced they pick the loudest, most annoying and obnoxious employee and punish him/her by making them the host. I especially enjoy those that can't speak properly and wind up saying the strangest things. Like: Kids, form a circle and make it straight. Or: Parents form A two lines please. A two lines.
3) The awful entertainment - I swear if I have to play one more round of "Bring Me" I'm taking a grenade to the next party... and handing it to the host without the pin. I just love the mascots who look like their costumes haven't been washed since 1983 and want to pick up your kid. And what's not to love about pinatas? Who doesn't enjoy these contraptions that force kids to act like savages or rejects from WWF, madly scrambling for candy from China that you're not going to let them eat anyway.
4) The loot bag - parents, please, be considerate enough to make sure that whatever you put in the loot bag is the same thing that you would let your kids eat or play with. Nothing freaks me out more than parents who put candy that are: a) of dubious origin, b) of hazardous size and make (aka do you want my kid to choke on this crap or what? also known as weren't these banned by the FDA?), c) things they wouldn't let their own kids eat. I also get freaked out by parents who put toys that are obviously dangerous or age inappropriate. If you're just going to give us a bag of stuff that's going to get my kid rushed to the ER, please just don't give the damned things out at all. It cost you money and no one likes them anyway. (Plus they just add clutter to my home).
5) And my personal favorite - the God-awful music. I mean does anyone need to listen to Justin Bieber at 300 decibels? Who decided it was fun to pump up the volume to jet fighter levels whenever the kids are playing games or when its time to eat? Is the conversation at these things that boring that they try to drown out the sound of us talking to each other? Now I don't expect people to play Arcade Fire or The Legendary Jim Ruiz at a kid's birthday party. But I don't want to contribute to the decaying minds of our youth either by playing incessant runs of Justin Bieber, Katy Perry or Taylor Swift either. At mind-numbing volumes I might add. Honestly I'd be happier if they just slapped on Kenny G or Yanni and called it a day. Next time, just hire the strange alien band from the Cantina.
Yesterday we were at a birthday party that had all these wonderful elements and Princess Leia was actually begging us to go home after 30 minutes. I found the whole exercise sad and pointless, especially since the birthday celebrant couldn't give a rat's ass about what was going on. The little Ewok didn't want to sit still for the countless pictures, didn't want to participate in the games, and ran screaming from the tons of people it didn't know. I don't blame it. All the Ewok wanted to do was run around and whack people with it's balloon. The parents could have saved a butt load of money by just taking it and the other Ewoks to an open field, giving them kites and preparing a simple picnic of sandwiches and juice.
Sometimes I think that parents forget that children's parties are about the kids. Some parents use it as an excuse to get their friends together. Others use it a photo-op or a venue to show off. Others just throw them just for the sake of throwing them. I say if you're gonna be half-assed about it, just buy your kid a cake, get some family together to celebrate the event, and use the money you save to buy your kid a kick-ass gift that the little Ewok will love to death. Or put it in their college fund. Or use it buy a slave girl bikini outfit that you can use to make new Ewoks with. Whatever. Just stop torturing the rest of us with yet another assault on the senses that is your kid's birthday party.
